9 Ways to Reduce Sibling Rivalry in Little Kids
Your toddler doesn’t know many words. But he knows just how to fight with his brother.
“I want that truck. It’s mine!”
“I need first! I need bigger! I need the pink plate!”
And your preschooler’s advanced vocabulary lets him step things up a notch.
“That’s not fair!”
“Why does he always get everything he wants?”
“I wish I didn’t have a brother!”
Do those quotes sound familiar? Then you’re probably wondering how to deal with this annoying sibling rivalry.
Occasional sibling rivalry is completely normal. But as a parent, you’re likely desperate for everyone in your house to just get along! You’re in luck, because here are nine ways to reduce sibling rivalry in little kids.
Table of Contents
#1. Stand back and look for patterns
It’s tempting to immediately dive in and solve the sibling rivalry situation. But when you do that, you’re likely to solve it on a superficial level and miss what’s happening beneath the surface.
Instead, start by reading between the lines. Observe the way your children argue. What topics keep showing up?
Does one child appear to play the victim while the other acts superior?
Does a particular situation always triggers conflict?
What’s the root cause of the rivalry? Is your son insecure? Does your daughter have a deep-seated belief that older children are better?
When you understand the root cause, you’ll be better equipped to handle conflict appropriately.
#2. Practice celebrating differences
Often, rivalry pops up due to differences in siblings.
One’s too weak and the other’s too strong. One always gets good grades and the other doesn’t.
Make sure you sit down with each child and let them know that being different is good!
There’s no need for your child to compare herself to her sibling. Coach her instead to recognize and celebrate her own unique personality and strengths, as well as how to improve their own weaknesses.
#3. Teach “fair but not equal”
“Fair but not equal” is a tricky concept for kids to understand.
Maybe your child notices that you spend twenty minutes helping one child getting dressed, and only five minutes with another. And he calls you out on this. “Why does Mia always get more help?”
This is a great time to explain the concept that fair is not always equal.
Explain to your kiddo that while his little sister needs more help getting dressed, he’s ready to handle more responsibilities. He can feel good about what he’s able to do on his own.
Let him know that you’ll make up this time to him later by teaching him a “big boy”” skill.
If you’re able to explain the reasoning behind your parenting to your children in a rational way, odds are good that he’ll understand. And he’s less likely to feel resentful or jealous toward you and his sibling.
Ready to help your kids stop squabbling and start getting along?
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#4. Find your mediator hat
When your kids are in the middle of a spat, don’t rush to swoop in and fix it.
Give them a chance to talk it out. Not only does this build their problem solving skills, but it also allows them to work together as a team to find a solution.
If your kids seem to need a bit more guidance, intervene as an objective third party.
Ask the same questions to each sibling. “What do you remember happening? Why might that have upset your brother?”
Then ask them to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy.
This type of positive parenting will build your child’s capacity to handle all kinds of conflict, both in and out of the family unit.
#5. Look through your child’s eyes
Your children’s need to battle it out with one another is more than a superficial issue.
It’s likely a sign that they feel inferior to their sibling or feel less valued in the family dynamic. And we never want a child to feel less valued than his or her sibling.
Our kids sometimes have concerns that seem silly to us, but feel incredibly important to them. As parents, we want to do our best to value our children’s feelings and concerns.
So ask your child why an issue has upset her. Discuss what topics, phrases, and physical actions are hurtful and off limits in your household.
#6. Create a kindness tracker
You’ve seen chore charts around. But how about a kindness chart?
Instead of tracking family chores, it tracks one sibling’s kindness toward another.
Pick a kind of tracking system that your children will find alluring. Maybe it’s a chart with stickers, or a jar with cotton balls. Then, start to track the kind things each child does for another.
Whether they do an act of kindness for their sibling or say something kind to them, add something to their kindness tracker.
Once it’s all full, reward them with something meaningful for that child. Some reward ideas include screen time, their favorite dessert, or their favorite activity.
#7. Divide and conquer
Sometimes the bickering gets out of hand and your nerves just can’t take it anymore. When that happens, find separate activities your children can take part in so that they get out of each other’s hair.
Maybe one can assist you in the kitchen while the other cleans up the living room. Or maybe set each of them up for independent reading time. Or have your partner take one child while you take the other.
Whatever it may be, sometimes children just need their own space to breathe. A little alone time can go a long way.
#8. Keep discipline on the low
We’ve probably all lived through this scenario:
One child is scolded by a parent or teacher. And everyone else in the room points and teases, “Ooooooooh! You’re in trouble!”
The shame does little to solve the child’s behavioral problem. And it may just lead to them developing a complex about themselves.
They might feel like they’re known as the “bad kid” and feel pressured to keep making poor decisions to keep this persona up. Or maybe they just feel ashamed.
Either way, children don’t like to be disciplined in front of one another. Especially siblings. So if one child gets “in trouble” and another doesn’t, this can add more fuel to the sibling rivalry fire.
It’s easy to get caught up in the moment. But the next time you need to discipline one of your children, do your best to pull them to the side and do so in private.
#9. Compartmentalize sharing
When it comes to smaller children, the mindset is often, “me, me, me!”
But a child with this attitude is likely to feel constant distress and lack. They feel as though their whole day is nothing but sharing and giving to others.
Our kids are free spirits. It’s incredibly useful to find ways to acknowledge them as individuals with their own time and space.
Try setting aside individual “date night” with each of your children, giving them their own corner in the playroom, or color coding which toys are “shared” and which aren’t. Sometimes the best answer to sibling rivalry is a little bit of personal space.
Ready to deal with your children’s sibling rivalry?
Your toddler still doesn’t know many words.
But he knows some important ones: enough for him to compromise and cooperate with his brother.
And his older brother one-ups him. He’s able to start the negotiations.
So is the fighting gone in your home? Not by a long shot.
But they’re fewer, they’re shorter, and most of the time your little ones are able to solve the disagreements with just a little bit of help.
And right now, that’s enough.
