How to Teach Your Kids to Care for Each Other in 5 Steps
You’d think parenting would get harder when you have more kids. But I found that lots of things got easier with multiple kids.
When I only had one kid, everything was my responsibility. I had to find her playdates—or I had to find her a different source of entertainment. When she needed to learn a new skill, I had to be the one to teach it. I wanted my daughter to have a robust vocabulary, which meant that I needed to have interactive, high-level conversations with her.
Now that I have four kids, all that has changed. My kids look out for each other. They play with each other, chat with each other, and teach each other new skills.
This gives me a much-needed break. It also benefits my children. They have the confidence to solve their own problems together without adult input. They also have a deeper bond that doesn’t involve me.
But kids aren’t born knowing how to support each other. Actually, their instinct seems to be to bicker with each other instead. Here’s how I teach my kids to have a supportive relationship.
Teach your kids to turn to each other for help
Table of Contents
Brainstorm solutions as a group
If your kids are arguing with each other, sit down and call for an impromptu family meeting.
Coach the kids to explain what the problem was. Teach them to keep quiet while the other person is speaking. Guide them to take ownership of the problem and figure out solutions
You can also try scheduling family meetings if you find that you’re struggling to do them on the fly.
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Notice each child’s strengths
When kids feel confident about who they are, they don’t feel a burning need to compete with their sibling.
Which leaves them open to a positive relationship with their brother or sister.
The classic book Siblings Without Rivalry has lots of tips on how to nurture kids so they don’t beat each other down. Here are a few of my favorites:
Don’t box kids into roles. One might be great at drawing, while the other has his nose in a book. But they both can be artists and readers. Be careful how you label kids.
Don’t define kids by the past. Maybe last year, she struggled to help with cleanup. That doesn’t make her irresponsible. This year she might just turn it all around.
Don’t compare children. You might think comparisons will motivate the kid who’s falling behind. It doesn’t. What it does is leave that child furious at his sibling and desperate to put her in her place.
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Ask one kid to assist another
“Help me! This button keeps sticking!”
Do you pride yourself on being a responsive parent who doesn’t keep the kids waiting? Maybe try dialing it down.
If you delay coming to their rescue, or playfully insist that you don’t know how to help, your kid will need to find a different solution.
And they might just find their sibling.
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Encourage cooperation
Cooperative games require kids to work together in order to win. They’re a fun way to help kids learn to get along.
Do you remember playing those team-building games when you were a kid? Those are cooperative games. The trouble is that they require a group. Unless you have five kids, all old enough to participate, those won’t help you much.
A better solution is to invest in some cooperative board games and card games. Here are a few that my kids love.
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And check out this post for more on cooperative games.
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Allow them to be partners in crime
Kids get along best when they’re disobeying Mom and Dad.
That’s when a sibling is most useful. Who wants to make trouble on their own?
Much more practical to have a partner in crime. Someone to serve as your lookout and give warning. Someone to share blame. Someone to help you wriggle your way out of any consequences.
Guess what? This works in your favor. It’s true that they’re not listening— but they’re not listening together.
When possible, turn a blind eye to their disobedience for a bit.
If they’re sneaking out of bed for a few minutes, no harm done. They’re being cute together.
After a few minutes, you’ll of course have to be the mean parent and chase them back to bed.
Be playfully angry. Drum up the fact that they’re both ignoring you. That it’s not fair. That they’d better start listening now.
Yes, they’re building their relationship— by bonding against you. Try not to take it too personally.
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Conclusion
If you follow these five steps, will your kids always be there for each other?
Nope. They’ll still be kids. They’ll still have to learn that the world doesn’t end when your sibling rips your favorite project, and that it’s OK to wait for your turn for the book.
But look out for the times when your kids work to support each other rather than knock each other over. Because if you keep at it, those moments will come more and more.
And pat yourself on the back. Your family’s getting there.
