5 Ways Your Interference Makes Kids’ Arguments Worse
You’re finally sitting with your coffee, flipping through your magazine.
And that’s when you hear it.
“Stop!”
“I’m going to tell on you.”
“You’re not fair!”
“Yes huh.”
You try tuning them out. That works until you hear a crash.
You drop everything on the table and stomp to their bedroom.
“What is it this time?”
They jabber about the school project, the stickers, the argument they had two weeks ago. You try to sift through the arguments and figure out who’s at fault this time.
Your efforts are noble. But what if I told you that you’re actually making your kids’ arguments worse?
Stop taking sides in your kids’ arguments
Table of Contents
You deprive them of a learning experience
In the School of Life, siblings are the ticket to learning good social skills. When you swoop in to solve your kids’ fights, you deprive them of their chance to learn problem solving.
It’s a lot easier for you to come up with the solution to their squabbles. After all, you have a lot more experience with thinking up compromises. You know how to disagree with someone without using rude names and hitting.
But that’s kind of like saying that you’re better at buttoning clothes or zipping coats, so it’s more practical to do it yourself. Your kids will be better off if you force them to learn how to solve their own disagreements.
Sure, it’s unpleasant to listen to their bickering.
But like the butterfly needs to struggle to get free of the cocoon, your kids need to have the chance to argue in order to learn to get along with others.
I’m not telling you to ignore the fight and let the stronger one win. You can’t trust them to work it out on their own yet any more than you can trust them to use sharp knives on their own.
But remember that you’re the coach, not the referee.
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You add more fuel to the conflict
Kids always learn how to spin any situation to their advantage. If your kids learn that your voice is the final decision in every argument, they’ll adapt.
They’ll start focusing their energy on convincing you they’re in the right and not their sibling. Their sibling’s perspective no longer matters. What’s important now is to stimulate their parent’s sympathy or sense of justice.
All they’ll learn is to manipulate you and to change the facts to suit their side.
Now their competition is all about getting you to agree with them. You’re actually adding an extra layer to their arguments.
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You encourage a win/lose mentality
Even adults disagree. All the time.
That’s because in most situations there is no right or wrong answer. Adults who have learned that as kids are able to see the other point of view and to create compromises or give in. Adults who never learned that lesson quickly gain a reputation for being inflexible and self-centered.
By interfering with your kids’ arguments, what kind of adult are you helping to form? Instead of coaching your kids to get along, you’re turning the focus on who’s right and who’s wrong.
Part of the gift of siblings is learning to find win/win solutions. But kids can only give in happily if they agree to give in on their own. If they help form the compromise themselves. If you’re not foisting it on them and taking something away from them.
Life is full of shades of gray. But through your involvement in your kids arguments you’re sending a very different message.
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You get them mad at you, too
Face it: no matter how hard you try, there’s no way to make everyone happy. Those kids are fighting because they want something. Because their sibling’s wants make it impossible for them to get exactly what they want.
And by getting involved in their fights, you’ll often make one or both of them mad at you. Because now it’s not only the sibling getting in the way of what they see as the key to their happiness. It’s you.
You’re the parent. You ought to be looking out for them. Not their sibling.
So now you have a three-ring circus on your hands.
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You’ll be running interference for life
Where is your interference getting you?
You’re working without a long-term plan.
You treat each blow up as a one-off circumstance without recognizing that it’s part of a much larger pattern.
Without giving your kids the space to solve their own fights.
And if you keep this up, you’ll be running interference for life.
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Conclusion
Of course you want to solve your kids’ problems. You’re a caring, hands-on parent, not the sort to let your kids just raise themselves.
But you need to plan how you’ll help your kids with their fights or it’ll only get worse.
So resist the temptation to act as their personal referee. And learn to teach your kids to solve their own spats instead.
You’ll be thanking yourself later.
